Cornelius Fudge's Not So Famous Goblin Pie
by Tsona
Summary: FINISHED! This is, as the title says, a recpie for Goblin Pie and a byproduct of my bizarre brain. Enjoy! Please read and review, but at your own risk. I'm not responsible for anything that happens to you from eating Goblin Pie. Blame Fudge.


_A/N: Hello, my friends. By pure stroke of luck, you have stumbled upon what I don't doubt to be one of _thee _strangest ficlets in the fanfiction universe. This is, as the title suggests, a recipe for Goblin Pie and a by-product of my not altogether sound brain. Isn't that right, Brainy? It says Anyway, I hope you enjoy. By all means, feel free to give it a go. It's a real recipe though very slightly altered. Oh, and suggest you use beef or boca for you vegetarians rather than Goblin. Bit tough to chew. Anyway, _bon a petite_ my lovely readers!  
~Yours forever, Tsona   
_

  
Cornelius Fudge's Not-So-Famous Goblin Pie  
  


By some undercover detective work on my part, and largely due to some well-placed friends, I have uncovered the truth about our beloved Minister of Magic. _The Quibbler_ is no tabloid after all it seems! A member of the Ministry workforce in Fudge's own department found this in a private file belonging to him. No, I'm sorry. All persons involved in this project will remain anonymous for their own safety. No knowing what ol' Goblin-Crusher would do if he ever found us out. This is a recipe of the Minister's own invention for his Not-So-Famous Goblin Pie! I tried out the recipe. It's not bad. See for yourself.  
  
First, you must of course prepare the pie crusts. All measuring may be done magically. You will need:  
  
3 cups of unbleached flour  
1 to 1 1/2 cups of shortening (e.g. - 1 cup canola oil and 1/2 cup butter)  
1 teaspoon of salt  
1/3 cup of ice water  
1 egg  
1 teaspoon of plain white vinegar  
  
First, in a large bowl, mix together the flour and salt, shifting occasionally. This can be done by a simple Shifting Charm. Make sure you remember the wide, sweeping motion with your wand! Cut the shortening into the mixture with a pastry cutter until it gets to looking like small crumbs. In a separate bowl, beat together the egg, ice water, and vinegar.  
  
Add the egg mixture to the flour with a fork. You may choose to enchant the fork and bowl to do this themselves. The use of the Animatus Charm is suggested. Blend it all together well. The easiest way to achieve this is to enchant a wooden mixing spoon to do the work, also using the Animatus Charm (useful thing!). Chill the batter either using a Freezing Charm. When the dough is cold to the touch you can remove the charm. Let it sit fifteen minutes before continuing.  
  
After the quarter of an hour you can begin to roll out the dough. Flour the surface you intend to roll the dough on lest it sticks and remains part of your kitchen forever. Flour the rolling pin, too, and enchant it. The dough when rolled should be in the shape of a 12 inch circle. Another should be made for the top of your finished pie.  
  
To transfer the dough to the pan, carefully hand roll it around the pin. Use of magic in this delicate situation will likely result in your nicely shaped circle coming undone. The pie plate should be nearby, at the ready, and ungreased. Unroll the dough, centering it over the plate. If you are not handy with Muggle cooking, you could also try folding the dough into quarters, placing it with its point in the center of your pie plate, and unfolding it. Whichever seems the easier choice for you.   
  
Gently press against the bottom and sides of the plate; this is also suggested to be done by hand. Trim the overhanging dough leaving approximately 1 inch on the edge. This is best done by magic. Another Animatus Charm can be performed upon a knife or use of the Severing Charm is also efficient for the lesser warlock. This next bit is all done by hand, sorry. You tuck the trimmed edge beneath itself so that it is even with the edge of the pie pan. Pinch the edge so that looks wavy. This MUST be done by hand as well. No magic! Then, using a fork, bewitched if you wish, prick the sides and bottom thoroughly so as to prevent your crust from puffing up when baked. Put in an oven preheated to 220 degrees Celsius. (That is, 425 Fahrenheit, American witches and wizards!) Let it bake for 15 to 18 minutes or until your pie crust is a light golden brown in color. Remove it from the oven and allow to cool. Again, the impatient warlock of the kitchen may use a Freezing Charm but beware you let it go only a few seconds or the result will be a frozen pie rather than a cooled one!   
  
Now, we must fill the pie before covering it. So, for the stuffing you will need:  
  
3 cups Goblin meat  
1 cup of apples  
1/2 cup of jelly or jam of your preferred flavor (the Minister uses grape)  
2 tablespoons brandy  
2 handfuls of raisins  
mace  
cinnamon  
nutmeg  
  
First you must prepare your ingredients. The Goblin meat should be finely chopped. And remember, as you're only using 3 cups, one Goblin will make a good many pies. _The Quibbler _will give you some suggestions of the Minister's for what to do with the rest. The apples must be chopped too, the smaller the pieces the better.  
  
Now you've done that, you take all the above mentioned ingredients and place them all in a bowl together. A pinch of each spice will suffice. This you mash together into a paste. Magic of course is the preferred manner. A Crushing Charm would do the job nicely.  
  
This mash you pour into your pre-baked pie crust. Place the top of the pie over your stuffing using one of the the ways described previously for transferring the dough. Pinch down the rim of the crust top so that it's appearance is the same as its brother below. Place the lot in the oven once more. The temperature should be set for 220 Celsius, 425 Fahrenheit. Let it bake for 30 to 40 minutes or until lightly browned.   
  
Remove the pie from the oven and allow it to cool slightly before eating.  
  
_A/N: Well, now, isn't that just scrumdiddlieumptious?! I thought so. If any of you were so bold as to try this yourself, tell me how it worked out would you? I'm curious. We've got a church tag sale coming up and they're looking for baked goods. What's you think? Think they'd make any money off it? I could start my own business! Who knew a ficlet could start a business?! Of course, *glances around nervously* I'm only joking and am making no money off of this whatsoever. (Not that anyone'd buy it.) All rights belong strictly to J.K. Rowling; Mr. Lovegood, my coconspirator and editor of _The Quibbler_; and, of course, our inventive Minister of the kitchen, Cornelius Fudge. tehehee. Now, please review! I'll pass your compliments on to the chef!  
~Yours forever, Tsona _


End file.
